Qualities to Look For in a Muslim Husband by Shaykh Luqman Ahmad

One Hundred Advices About Muslim Marriage: For People Who Are Marriage Minded by [Abu Laith Luqman Ahmad]If you are looking for the perfect Muslim man who is the embodiment of prophetic character and constitution in every possible way, then you will never find that person, and if you did, it is unlikely that you will be the perfect paragon of virtue to match him. I mean, anything is possible, but being human and all, it is likely that you, as well as your spouse or potential  spouse will have human qualities. However, there is such a thing as an ideal spouse that fits and compliments you.

Every Muslim woman who seeks marriage in Islam should be aware that you are seeking a person to not only be a husband, friend, lover, life-partner, and all those good things; but you are seeking someone to be the imam of your home and family. Of course you want him to be a kind, generous, patient, good-natured, healthy, attractive (to you), and a god –fearing , virtuous husband who is reasonable. Nevertheless,  as a woman, you need to be clear about what you really want and seek in a marriage. The imam part is important because any man who is worth his salt as a Muslim man, realizes that in addition to being other things, he must be the Imam of his home. That is not his choice, that is an obligation, a contract between him and his Lord.

Many sisters say they want one thing but when they get it, it turns out that it’s not what they really want. Don’t say you want a strong man, and then resent his strength when he tries to lead, or his firmness in some things, or say you want a knowledgeable man, and want him to disregard his knowledge and follow your or someone else’s whim, and don’t say you want a god-fearing, pious man, and then oppose him when he wants to direct his family to piety.

If a woman wants a man who has these good and godly qualities then she should seek that type of man, and not be overtaken by his looks, his swagger, his car, his walk or his talk.  If a woman seeks a husband who does not have the qualities of a good man, then she will likely get a joker. The first thing to check about a potential Muslim spouse is his salat, and if you check his, make sure that you check yours too. Keep in mind that all the beautiful qualities that you want in a husband,  you should make sure that comparable qualities exist in your own self.  Realistically people are human, are fallible, and no one is perfect, and you are much more likely to find a husband and a lasting marriage by seeking a good man, than a perfect man.


If you are a Muslim woman who does not particularly want to be married to a religious man, or a man who prays, or enjoins you to pray, pays zakaat, fasts and enjoins you to fast, and observes a healthy (non-extremist) Islamic lifestyle, then that is your choice, and you should be honest with yourself about that. He can still be a decent person and not be that much into practicing his Islam.

This is not about blaming this or that person for how they want to live and what they consider important. Islam is a path, not a destination and people struggle with all aspects of their faith from time to time, that is life.

Nevertheless,  lets keep it real sisters, if you are not really trying to live the Islamic lifestyle as a wife and a woman, then don’t waste the time of a brother who is looking for that type of lifestyle.  You need to be clear with yourself about that, and he needs to be clear with you about that. Likewise, if you as a Muslim woman, know that you want to life a serious and sober Islamic lifestyle, and raise your children accordingly, then don’t be beguiled by a brother who is handsome, talks a good game, drives a nice car, wears designer clothes, but lacks the substance that you are seeking. A woman can help a man evolve and grow, and vice versa, but people can’t change people.

Every woman should have a general idea about how she wants to get pattern her home life, what she’s willing, or not willing to do, and how where she is in her deen, and Allah is the best judge. However, for the new and not so new Muslim woman who wishes to be married and live an Islamic lifestyle here in the United States to the best of their ability, it is important to seek and marry the kind of men who can and will support that type of life.  With that in mind, here are some things that you should look for in a real Muslim man. These qualities will not make a perfect man, for such a thing is a fantasy. However, if a brother has these qualities, and you have problems in your marriage as many of us do, a man with the qualities mentioned below, gives you a lot to work with. Just keep in mind, your marriage is not entirely built upon the man and what he does and who he is, it is equally dependent on who, who you are and what you do. Marriage is a two-way street.  So each trait that you look for in a husband, you must ask yourself, do you have similar complimentary traits? Similarly, each question you ask about his past and upbringing, be prepared to answer similar questions about yourself. Wallahul Musta’aan.

  1. You have to know something about his background, his family, his upbringing, his history. Family background is important. You want to know what kind of family he came from, whether or not he was raised by both parents, came from a single parent household, or reared in a foster home. Some of our men who are converts come from broken families, from prison and criminal backgrounds and from the thug, gang, culture of the inner city streets. Of course that is not true for all; nevertheless, is true for many, and we are seeing the results of it in our communities. Thus, in these cases, the question is how much of the previous jaahiliyyah lifestyle has been discarded and replaced by Islamic thinking, Islamic habits, and Islamic traits? If he is a Muslim, but still likes to run the streets, hang out on corners, go to the clubs, sling dope, smoke weed, or run game, then he hasn’t yet crossed over to an Islamic way of life. People can, and will change, and change takes time; however, these days, people are not changing. They are falling to the wayside of Islam in very high numbers
  2. Does he pray or even know how to pray? If a brother does not know how to pray, then he should be actively learning his salat, and have a salat book in his pocket, or his backpack. He should be up in the Masjid, praying behind someone who knows how to pray. Salat is not an option. If he doesn’t know how to pray, and is not actively learning how to pray, then he is a joker as far as Islam is concerned; he does not take his Islam seriously, and neither should you. The hardest salat upon the hypocrite is the Fajr and Isha prayers. The prophet (SAWS) said: “if people knew what was in the Isha and Fajr (prayers in congregation), they would attend them even if they had to crawl.[i] If a brother cannot get out of bed for Fajr, or cannot put down the remote control for Isha, then it is likely that he will not establish prayer in the home.
  3. Does he know about purification? Does he know how and when to perform a ghusl, the proper manner of wudu, and the performance of istin’jaa? If he does not know the above, then his whole worship apparatus is in disarray, and dysfunctional, not withstanding that he is probably in a perpetual state of impurity. The Prophet (SAWS) said, “Purification is half of faith”. Thus if he doesn’t understand and practice purity, he is bereft of half of his eemaan. On the other hand, if he is attentive with regards to purification, then he is more likely to be dutiful with respect to salat. It goes without saying that if he is steadfast and attentive to salat, then he will be the same in other areas of his deen.
  4. Is he employed? Does he have halal income? If he is a street hustler, most of the time, his income is from haram sources and in our experience, street hustler dudes, rarely takes care of their families. However, all street hustles are no haram and all street hustlers do not neglect their families, keep that in mind also. You just have to ask the right questions and look into it to the degree it matters to you.
  5. If he is employed, does he pay zakaat, or take care of his children if he has any? If he is employed, does he make sacrifices for the sake of his job and career, at the expense of his religion? Does he integrate the salat into his work schedule, does he attend Jum’ah. If he sacrifices his religion to earn a living then it is likely that you will get a man who brings home the money, but won’t be an Imam in his home, won’t raise the children as Muslims, and will be less inclined to uphold islamic moral values while he is at work, or at home.  There is such a thing as balance; however balance in in following religion and using the latitude that it affords.
  6. Does he play hooky from Ramadan? If he plays hooky from Ramadan, then he is a joker. He does not take his Islam seriously. Where is this brother during the month of Ramadan? Is he around the Muslims, is he near the Masjid, is he at the iftaar (breakfast), is he in the salat line during any of the taraaweeh? Or is he one of those brothers who calls the Masjid three weeks into Ramadan and asks; ‘when does Ramadan start’? Where is he at Fajr time? Is he sleeping, or is he busy with suhoor and salat. These are the things you need to look at in choosing a good Muslim man. The observance of Ramadan is one of the things that separates the men from the boys as far as deen is concerned. Pay attention to how he handles Ramadan and it will give you a glimpse into what he’s made of.
  7. Does he take care of himself? Does he have his own place, have his own bills, have his own car, buy his own food, buy his own clothes, pay for his own bus pass? It’s okay if he takes care of himself but is struggling because times are hard these days, but sisters need to understand that taking care of yourself is a certain mindset that a man has, and trying to live off of mommy, baby momma, or your girlfriend is a totally different mindset; it’s the mindset of a boy, pretending to be a man.
  8. Who are his friends? Are they practicing Muslims? The Prophet (SAWS) said: “A person is upon the religion of his close friend (khalil)”. If his friends are trifling, know nothing, do nothing dudes, then your guy is bound to be like them. If he is still rolling with the non-Muslim, then rest assured, he probably still thinks like one. If he’s rollin with the boys and not the men, then he’s probably still a boy. grown men don’t roll behind little boys.
  9. Does he have an Imam, or a sheikh from whom he takes instruction? Or is he a floater? If he has no Imam, then his imam is probably Shaitaan. If he is not linked to leadership, or scholarship, (and I’m not talking about the internet), then he is likely going around in circles as far as his deen is concerned, and he will lead you around in circles. This is not true in every case, but it’s very likely.
  10. What is the relationship with his mother? If he doesn’t honor and respect his mother, then there is hardly any chance that he will honor and respect you as his wife. If he disrespects his mother, then he is already engaged in major sin from the very beginning. You should also talk to his mother. Mothers know their sons, if the mother says he is no good, then she’s probably right.
  11. Does he attend Jum’ah prayer or does he make invalid excuses? If a brother is missing Jum’ah without a valid excuse, more than 3 times in a row, then he already has a seal on his heart. Abu Ja’d al-Dhamri (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “Whosoever misses three Jumu’ah prayers by taking the matter lightly, Allah will seal his heart.”[ii]

These are just a few things that our women must consider in choosing a mate. If you are already married, then you should encourage your husband to adopt some of these traits and don’t make excuses for him or just be another mommy for him. Sisters, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage, and there are no perfect men, just like there are no perfect women. However there is such a thing as good and bad qualities in a man, as well as a woman. Try to choose someone in whom the good qualities outweigh the bad. And Allah knows best. Wa bihi tawfeeq. Imam Abu Laith Luqman Ahmad.

Shaykh Abu Laith Luqman Ahmad, a Philadelphia native, is a writer, a researcher and Imam at the Toledo Masjid al-Islam in Ohio. He is a former executive committee member of the North America Imams Federation (NAIF), and the author of the book, “Double Edged Slavery“, a critical and authoritative look at the condition of African American and convert Muslims in the United States, and the book: “The Devil’s Deception of the Modern Day Salafi Sect “, a critical look at the ideological underpinning of modern Salafist extremism, and the author of the new e-book, “Killing Marriage in Black Muslim America“, a brief look at the marriage dilemma among Black American Muslims and converts to Islam.

He blogs at imamluqman.wordpress.com, and can be reached at imamabulaith@yahoo.com.

[i] Related by Bukhaari

[ii] Sunan Abu Dawud, Sunan Tirmidhi, Sunan Nasa’i, Sunan Ibn Majah and al-Darami

30 responses to “Qualities to Look For in a Muslim Husband by Shaykh Luqman Ahmad”

  1. Ibnat Luqman Ahmad Avatar
    Ibnat Luqman Ahmad

    This was an excellent read abbi!! I’m looking for those exact same qualities in which you speak of but I think I’m looking in the wrong part of the globe..lol. Its time to broaden my horizons but still remain patient and trust in Allah to provide what I’m looking for!!!


  2. Hameem Abdul Hakim Avatar
    Hameem Abdul Hakim

    Excellent Alhamdulilah


  3. Nice straight to the point advice. Valuable points to consider for both men and women. JAK.


    1. I agree with all these statements 100 percent..the man taking care of his religion is the one expected to be responsible in every way and in every relation in his life..JazakAllah


  4. Masha Allah. Jazak Allah khairan! I’ve read it twice now, alhumdulillah 😉


  5. “Does he have an Imam, or a sheikh from whom he takes instruction? Or is he a floater? If he has no Imam, then his imam is probably Shaitaan. If he is not linked to leadership, or scholarship, (and I’m not talking about the internet), then he is likely going around in circles as far as his deen is concerned, and he will lead you around in circles.”

    Thank you for writing this article. It really gives a good insight about some qualities to keep in mind when looking for a Muslim husband.

    However, I do have few notes add in my opinion to this. May Allah give us all guidance and keep us away from evil.

    Regarding the paragraph about having an imam or sheikh, I don’t believe that is always the case with Muslim brothers and is not needed at all times either. It’s 2013 now. Back in 1998, there were only handful of Masjids and Islamic centers. This is not the case anymore. I have access to multiple masjids from my apartment within a five mile radius. Two of which are at an equal distance. So, I switch when going to jummah between the two and will visit others if I am out and about. During this time I have come to know multiple Imams. Some are graduated from Al Maghrib and other universities, while others are students of well-known Imams.

    This, my brothers and sisters is a very beautiful thing to have. I am blessed to be in this situation. Anyways, in short, being associated with one Imam is fine, but I don’t believe that it should be a decision making item when looking for a Muslim husband. I can definitely see this being true with kids. Kids go to one Masjid and an association with Imam(s) of that Masjid can be built.

    Also, another thing to keep in mind is, Muslim husband needs to have many other qualities as well. This includes leniency, calm attitude, gentle with the fragile vessel (women) and more. Should be able to look the other way if a minor bad issue is found in wife.

    As brother mentioned in this article, while the perfect man (or a woman) is a fantasy, goal is to constantly evolve and make ourselves better.

    Ladies, please don’t forget that while Fajr prayer holds lot of good deeds, it’s also asked that a husband and wife wake each other up for it.


  6. […] P/S: Please visit this page; very informative about qualities of husband. https://imamluqman.wordpress.com/2012/01/25/qualities-to-look-for-in-a-muslim-husband-by-imam-luqman-… […]


  7. Nice piece of advice. 🙂 This would be very helpful for muslim girls to find a right soul for herself.


  8. Thanks……….. but can I get REfferences…?




  10. Awesome, It must be applied for every Muslim family, great peace of advice. thanks for sharing


  11. Raghib Abdul-Shakoor Avatar
    Raghib Abdul-Shakoor

    Asa Iman Luqman hit all the right notes and threw the ball completely out of the park, he is totally and absolutely correct with his anologies of the situation both men and women should take note of this insightful articule.


  12. Jazakillaho khayran. We appreciate the time you took brother to share your insights. Subhan Allah very beneficial.


  13. Nice advice…..Excellent

    I suggest this website http://www.marryasunni.com to be most reliable & safe website for genuine Muslims seeking life partners.


  14. yup. you tell ’em Imam!


  15. Hello my name is Abdullah Mujahid from Libya beautiful I am 26 years old and I Ahamdallah Muslim , Arabic I want to be associated with the wife of a good Muslim or want to engage in the true religion , Islam , and of foreign origin , preferably European to marry and have and have a face shining white not older than 26 d and live in God’s love and happiness , and I’ll wait for the girl of my dreams and I both longing I see they love me for me ILOVE travel , books , love , joy, romance and fun Coordinator Jaddaaaaa I love Dama I’ll be full-fledged members of the family how beautiful and happy and I will not be the shortest thing in Indeed , Baden-Baden God and wait , my angel and I am longing to what pleases God and wait for the love of my life is real , and reconcile God free2012x@gmail.com (Oh God, bless me with a good wife)


  16. Baba Kyari Bukar Avatar
    Baba Kyari Bukar

    It’s so nice. May Allah bless us with good wife too as we maintain these qualities.


  17. Abduh al-Maliki Avatar
    Abduh al-Maliki

    As-Salaamu Alaikum Shaykh,
    May Allah ta’ala continue to bless and preserve you. Your writings are very thought provoking and insightful. Please continue to write about real in your face issues that will move people to begin to have truthful, open, and meaningful dialogue. Ameen


  18. Indeed these are the qualities which should be look when looking for Muslim husband.


  19. i am looking for perfect muslimhusband


  20. Nice tips. Thank You 🙂


  21. MashaAllah!!! That was great…


  22. Asslm sheikh, May Allah bless your knowledge and assist you in all your endeavors… masha Allah


  23. Assalum Alaikum,

    You had said in point 6 that he need to have his own car .. is that necessary to have a car or any mode of transport would do.. And today’s world women need a own house a separate bedroom, a car to travel. is that not a point to ponder upon?

    And does Islam say anything about having non- Muslim friends?


    1. Alaikum salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh.These are only desirable qualities that women should look for in a potential husband. These are not meant to be hard and fast pre-requisites according to Islamic law. A man may not be able to afford a vehicle but still have very desirable qualities that would make him good husband, or he could have a bike, motorcycle or a horse for that matter and still be a great husband. As for a women requiring her own separate bedroom, that is sheer nonsense. With respect to having non-Muslim friends, there are religious laws in our faith that govern that for men and women, and it is something that is looked upon on a case by case basis, depending upon what you mean by friend. And Allah knows best.


  24. If we find ourselves in a position where we are already engaged to a guy (through arranged marriage) whose from a good family back ground, knows his social responsibilities and has Islamic Knowledge and follows salaat and saum; but in the few conversations that I had with him, I found him to be insensitive or heartless.. also sometimes to his own mother too. Though point be stressed at sometimes not all the times. An overall cold person. He lives with his parents .. and as he’s been bachelor for long.. he mostly spend time with his friends and not family. Then what should we do?


  25. Am looking for a perfect muslim husband


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