Casper:There you are, the one and only, Mr. Islamophobia in the flesh! Thanks for agreeing to share your story with our audience. We’re so excited to have you with us buddy!

Islamophobia: thank you Casper, I appreciate the opportunity to tell my side of the story. One question though, I’m a politically correct neologism, do I have your permission to be candid? Without the political correctness I mean?

Casper: you can speak candidly sir. You have my word. The only one who might get negative backlash from this interview is the guy who’s posting it. But he’s used to it. So you’ve got nothing to worry about.

Islamophobia: thanks, I feel much better. First of all Casper, I’m not flesh, I’m a misnamed, ambiguously defined, often misdiagnosed, neologism masquerading as a psychological disorder. Still, I’m considered the most important issue, and number one priority of Muslims in America.

Casper: you go boy! You doing big things! I applaud you! Let’s take a selfie!

Islamophobia: Can’t do a selfie, I’m not myself these says. But, I have millions of Muslims who fear me more than they fear Allah. They follow my every move like paparazzi and anytime I stick my head out, they jump all over me. I’m a rock star baby!

Casper: i have to say this; you realize of course that you interfere with their religious teachings right? There is no mention of you in their scriptures, you have no assigned ruling according to Islamic law (fiqh), and technically you are an innovation (bid’ah). Besides, they can’t fear you, and fear their lord at the same time? Can they?

Islamophobia: yeah, I know right? It’s a bit complicated. We’re not even supposed to be having this discussion. But somehow they’ve managed to share their fear, attention and money with me, with the fear attention and the money they spend out of fear for their Lord. You can say I’m sort of a partner.

Casper: you mean shareek? But isn’t having partners with God against the Islamic faith? I think it reads, لا شريك له la shareeka lahu, (He has no partner).

Islamophobia: Yeah but I’m political, not religious. Politics dominates religion in Muslim America. No body questions it. Most Muslims are clueless about the partner thing as far as I’m concearned. They just look at me as an enemy, a bogeyman, a threat, and a way to raise lots and lots of money. I’m not saying that they officially worship me but I get some of the same perks their God gets.

Casper; How’s that?

Islamophobia: Well they do Friday prayer in Gods name, and do conferences and demonstrations in my name, many times right after Friday prayer. In fact, people will skip Friday prayer and still show up for a rally or protest march in my name.

Casper: hmm, never looked at it that way. Tell us more. Remember, this is your time.

Islamophobia: well, they give money out of fear of God and give money out of fear of me. God gets an hour of service on Friday, I get two full days of service on the weekends. My name is all over the place in Muslim America. I’m mentioned in nearly every Muslim home, every sermon and I’m number one on nearly every mosque agenda in America.

Casper: way to go your Highness! How does that make you feel? All that attention and power? How are you coping with being on the limelight?

Islamophobia: you know, im not sure. Some days, it makes me feel powerful. Other days, I don’t know what I feel. Fact is, at the end of the day, I don’t really know who I am! That’s why I’m here doing this interview. The insanity has to stop!

Casper: I see, so after all these years of silence, you finally decide to open up and tell your story I know it took a lot of courage. But why now?

Islamophobia: I can’t keep holding it in. I almost had a nervous breakdown. If not now, when? People just don’t understand me and I need to tell my story. To tell it for me Casper. For me..

Casper: well speaking for all of us here in cartoon land, we’re proud of you either way, and quite frankly, it’s time that Muslims really understood who and what you are, because you’re starting to get old bro.

Islamophobia: I know. I feel like I’m carrying all the blame, questions, criticism, suspicions and even sincere advice directed at Muslims. It all gets dumped on me and its just not fair.

Casper: just not fair to who?

Islamophobia: it’s not fair to anyone really. Not fair to Muslims because it makes them suspect . Everyone and their momma knows that no one is perfect and that Muslims have issues worthy of criticism just like everyone else, so it makes Muslims look delusional. Even their own scripture acknowledges that they are only human and not Angels, and have faults like everyone else. It’s not fair to non-Muslims because many aren’t against Islam or Muslims, but just have legitimate questions and concerns. Muslims just aren’t listening.

Casper: I must admit, I’ve had the same thoughts. I’m really starting to understand you man.

Islamophobia: you are one of the only people I have ever heard that understands my issues. Except this one Muslim Imam, Luqman Ahmad, who seems to understand my paradox of absurdities. Been on my case for years. He’s kind of a bully. But he is putting it all together. gets me spot on!

Casper: So you think this Imam guy gonna figure you out? Maybe put your parts in order? Explain you to the people? By the way, I’m not a person, I’m a ghost. A friendly ghost.

Islamophobia: sorry, my bad, but I think so, all he’s saying is that people have the right to think and ask honest, Intelligent questions, but Imam Luqman has a lot of opposition. It’s an uphill battle. Darn Casper, I mean, April fools day got a ruling, birthdays got two rulings, and music gets all kinds of rulings, but I get nothing. No rights.

Casper: well I wish him all the best. If you had a ruling, you probably wouldn’t be so neurotic. Muslims would be better off as well. So would the whole country. Maybe you speaking out will be a paradigm shift.

Islamophobia: In sha Allah.

Casper: Are you Muslim?

Islamophobia: no. I don’t have a heart. It’s weird But Allah is still God, and Islam is in my name so..

Casper: i get it. Moving on, I hear you suffered some trauma yourself, earlier in your career as well. Can you talk about it? Are you ready to share that experience with our readers?

Islamophobia: my therapist says that I need to talk about it. I need to heal. Me too Casper, me too!

Casper: Go on son. Take your time, we’re listening. The world is listening.

Islamophobia: Well before I was born, there were these Muslims, they call them pioneers now, they were mainly Black people, converts to Islam, they had no need for me. They were doing just fine without me. So when I was created back in the 90s, by the big headed mad scientist, Ya’qoob, the converts to Islam didn’t give a hoot about me. They saw right through me. Can you believe that?

Casper: some nerve of them. Seeing stuff, thinking for themselves, not going along with the program. Smh…

Islamophobia: yeah some of them thought I was a joke at first. Talkin bout they can’t fear me and Allah at the same time. I felt soo rejected and unappreciated.

Casper: so what did you do?

Islamophobia: I was willing to compromise. I said, okay you can fear Allah on the outside and fear me on the inside or vice versa. The ones who truly feared Allah said, no way! Allah is sufficient for us.

Casper: Golly, I bet that hurt.

Islamophobia: you bet it did! They had no consideration for me or my feelings as a young confused neologism trying to help Muslims. That cut deep Caz, real deep! I mean, I wasn’t trying to replace Allah, I just wanted to be a partner. A one word catch-all response for any criticism directed towards them, until Muslims are ready to engage in honest dialogue, and face their own demons, and civilizational dysfunction.

Casper: Golly, what happened next? How did you overcome rejection by indigenous American Muslims, and free thinking Americans?

Islamophobia: well, I finally got my big break on September 11th, 2001. All of a sudden, I was in great demand and became an overnight success. The rest is history.

Casper: Not to mention that you’re providing tens of thousands of jobs for people fighting Islamophobia. Probably the number one funded issue in Muslim America.

Islamophobia: money is tight these says, im doing my part. Anyway, Muslims fighting me and being obsessed with me, is how I get my strength. I’m powered by fear, greed, and politics.

Casper: what about truth?

Islamophobia: truth is like kryptonite to me.

Casper: I see. Well, Do you think the Muslims will ever realize that there are much better, smarter, and more effective ways to address anti-Muslim sentiment? They’ve been using you for nearly two decades, and they’ve still stuck.

Islamophobia: well as long as I remain immune from being judged according to the Quran and Sunnah, or undergo any critical analysis, I’m safe. You see there is no shariah ruling حكم شرعى for me. I’m literally above the law! Can you believe that? Top priority, billions of dollars spent, number one issue, yet, no Islamic ruling to define my status! Crazy huh?

Casper: absolutely insane… in fact, if the narrative of Black American Muslims and converts wasn’t being suffocated, that would help curb anti-islamic sentiment. That’s just my humble opinion as a 60 year old cartoon.

Islamophobia: thanks for being sympathetic

Casper. Grownups dont understand but children love me the most.

Islamophobia: are you calling me a child?

Casper: dude, you not even thirty years old, in ideological neologism years, you’re still a baby.

Islamophobia: well somebody needs to be charged with child abuse. Because Muslims are abusing the heck out of it me.

Casper: so if you could make one wish, what would it be?

Islamophobia: that I get a definite, textually supported sharia ruling.

Casper: I got a feeling you might get your wish. Thanks for sharing.

Islamophobia: your welcome. One last question for you. Why are you smoking a pipe?.

Casper: its a bad habit I picked up when I was in the dunya. Before i became a ghost.

Imam Luqman Ahmad

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